Woe, the dangers of second guessing ( ! )

acidxrock @ 2004-10-07T22:04:00

2004-10-08T03:05:10Z

The High School Scene eventually tires you out.

I can hardly speak, i UNDERSTAND (!!!!!!)

2004-09-22T23:25:18Z

I feel sad and i have absolutely no reason to do so

I need to stop deliberetly listening to songs i know will get me like this.

birthdays are so stressful

2004-09-12T19:22:43Z

My friend's birthday is .. about two months away.. but since it might be the last birthday together, I want to get her something special. Are there any ideas? I already have a sort of 'joke' gift, and I dont want to do the mundane 'picture frame' routine .. soo.. any one out there have a suggestion?

I was thinking of making something..

FTP account

2004-09-12T19:11:25Z

My FTP account trial expired about a week ago so I can't get in and update my site. Does anyone know of any Free Ftp account (not just trial version) ? All the ones I seem to find are just 30 day trials. If I can't find a permanent one, I'll just try another trial out. One of these days, I *will* by an FTP account, just not now.

this is pathetic

2004-09-11T01:43:27Z

I want to be somebody's best[friend] again, someday.
.yeah.

she wrote a cryptic message ; that no one was ever able to decode. Her thoughts were left unheard.

2004-09-08T06:40:57Z

School isn't much of a drag this year which is a mighty good feeling. Well, so far atleast. I don't feel myself trudging against the wall, trying to carry my heavy steps down the hall giving myself reasons as to why I should attend the class at all. I doubt there would have been any difference if I hadn't shown up to some of my classes last year. Oh whatev. The time has passed anyways, so why ponder upon it now?
This year seeems better, and I so hope it stays this way.

Lalala. Have Calc test . . today. Should be fun exciting and easy..? Or None Of The Above. I went to bed at 10:00, arbitrarily, and then just as arbitrarily woke up at 12 (eye woke up) and thought myself to be stupid for just going to bed when I know I hadn't revised for Calc yet ... So here I am.. revising :\
dumdumdum I better Ace it now. Or so i hope and pray.

Gah. Im so bored. Its the middle of the night and I have no one to talk to. Yet, even if I did, I wouldn't want to talk to them anyways. Haven't really been in the conversing mood, yet... I still want someone there, ready to strike a convo any second I return to the mood of talking . Or something like that. What? Does this make sense?
I don't really want to talk to anyone, really. There's not much to say. I hate senseless talking. Except a few excusable moments - with a few excusable people.
Depends on what I describe as 'senseless'

Just nod if you can hear me

2004-09-08T01:03:20Z

The words you blurt through your gasps of breath and breaks between the gulps in your throat
After you're done wiping the tears before the new ones begin spilling
Are the words
That speak the truth

Because in that state, you're more 'you' than ever

Its when your heart and emotions cloud any rational thinking
When caught up tension breaks free
And you appear naked with no garments to hide within

Dahdahdah.SoulExposed.

[no i wasn't crying, simply stating a realization]

the cool isn't always so hot

2004-08-29T02:32:52Z

When I try to imagine just how long the length of time 'eternity' can be, its oh-so overwhelming. The thought of having to last forever. Of having to face a tomorrow after tomorrow, is a shock wave that could drown and swallow me whole. I have trouble going through a twenty-four hour day, a cycle that continues on for seven days at length, continuously, with me : anticipating the end of the week as soon as the Monday approaches my door; panicking when a Saturday doesn't seem to be in sight; wanting to rip out the calendar as I cross out the days on a Sunday night. ThreeHundred&SixtyFive Days seems to be an unsurmountable length of time.

We were speaking of Heaven the day 'eternity' came up. Ofcourse I want to go there, but who am I to say I will be admitted there? I feel as if I bought my one-way-first-class ticket to Hell long ago and I can't exchange it in for a different destination. What if I end up in Hell for eternity?

I don't really know if I've done enough 'good deads.' If I am a 'good' person. I try to tell myself I am, I try to be. But who am I to decide if I have hurt any one or not? Oh I'm selfish enough to want to have someone to cry over with me because they want me soo much.

And there's all these worldly things that get in the way. The materialistic. The mundane. The sublunary. The Temporary. The here today, the gone tomorrow. Caught up in moments that will escape us once we release our breath. All things selfish and unworthy of time. The things that'll excite and send us into bliss today, only to break us and drive us to our tears and regret days later. I wish I hadn't forced myself to base my happiness on the terrestrial things in the past. That I had woken up earlier.

In re-evaluating us, I am having troulbe deciding what path to choose. The Good is obvious, but not 'fun' not 'appealing.' I am constantly asking God to 'guide' me, but I think when he does, I seem to turn my back. I chose the right instead of the left, and in it the nightness instead of the day.

Its easy to say I want to be a better person. But its so hard to actually step foot onto that path. For me, the core of being a better person comes down to actually act according to religion first. IT seems like a challenge to me to follow my religion. Though I love It. Its just seems hard.

BUT its just so incredibly stupid for me to stay in a condition that I know would be the ruin of me. I am so working towards being a better Muslim. It never occured to me how important it is. I fell so far away that I fell away from Religion.

I got so angry and felt soo alienated by God. Upset that he refused to grant me the things I wanted. Not wanting to see the 'blessings.'

But it all seems so dumb now. And I am ashamed of who I became inside of me. How I let things that mattered slip away from me.

oooooooooooooh but noooow... Now that I've stepped back from the edge of the mountain, I can work towards finding it all again.

And its exciting. Nerving to, but Exciting the most.

I want to spend my eternity in Heaven.

Just give In and Let me In

2004-08-21T23:44:26Z

If love is a drug, Im addicted.

I miss his sweet face , but I can hold my tears.
There's no salt on my face.

Maybe we'll meet some day at a redlight. Or maybe someday we'll both be grabbing for that last box of Cheerios. Maybe I'll be entering a door and he'll be leaving.

Whenever we meet, if we ever meet, I'm sure I'll be happy.
His smile is a sunshine any time of day.
I miss its warmth.

I feel a bit cold for August.
--

And I vow to myself, and you, that one of these days I will stop writing about him
That my thoughts will consist of something more tangible and real, something in front of me
or just in my reach

That I will move on and not turn back
And it will all make sense
and I will smile

For knowing him
For the tears I cried
For the scars I made
For the nights I stayed up
For the dreams I dreamt
And the wishes I made to an empty sky
For the sun that rose empty of its promises

For the letters I kept
For the words I couldn't bring myself to utter
For the phrase that made no sense

And for the words that I did say

And I won't regret it all. Not one bit.

I don't want this feeling to disappear

2004-08-21T02:20:21Z

I zoned out yesterday and thought about who i am and what i am and where i am. And I realized, that I am okay with it all.
I am learning to move on ....slowly (oh so very slowly) but I am getting myself out of a rut. I think , I am finally ready and strong enough to take control of my life again.
Somehow, somewhere along the way, I had lost the handle. I broke down. I dreamt of giving up. I just wanted out. Out. Out. Out. Out of what, out of Where? Here, and everything.
I wanted to have nothing to do with anything or anyone. I grew tired. I grew apathetic. I grew weak.
I drifted away from friends, tried to fade into the walls. I didn't want to see, I didn't want to be seen.

I was so incredibly down trodden and sad. I had no idea what to do with myself, with this body. Where to take it. Where to shove it. I was the biggest enigma facing me. I looked inside and found nothing. So incredibly hollow.

At this moment, I still don't have all the answers. Not nearly. I don't even have all the questions. But I'm beginning to understand me again. I look inside and there's substance there. I have an idea of what I want to do and where I want to go.
I am finding things to be happy about, and finding once again the importance in things I had lost.

I hope this moment doesn't disappear.

And even though I am still not always happy, I have driven myself away from depression.

I think I will be alright. I think things will work in the end. And I think I will make it to wherever I am meant to be.
And I hope I find everything I am looking for along the way. I have hope.

Losing yourself is the worst thing you could lose. I realize, I am my biggest treasure.

Don't change this

2004-08-20T01:26:55Z

It is so very cool
when things seem to go right

but you don't want to think of it too much
because that might change it

---
School has been good so far .. since it began really. First few days i was wary and uncomfortable
But now I have become set to the routine
And it doesn't seem so bad
KUDOS?

If its real, then I don't want to know

2004-08-19T03:22:20Z

Its just that, I feel so incapable of doing anything to change it.

And it leaves me feeling helpless, vulnerable, broken, and stuck.

Hanging on in vain, but wishing to tear myself away all the same.

Why are my thoughts and actions constantly at war with each other?

those strange moments

2004-08-15T17:45:14Z

I'm one of those people who gets really queasy around silences.
I can't stand it. I'd rather hear a gun shot.

I'll update more, tonight

2004-08-13T23:13:52Z

Today was good, despite it being Friday the Thirteenth :)... well okay so far :) Don't want to jinx it now..

What else could I possibly say after this..?

2004-08-13T23:11:25Z

Nine Inch Nails: Underneath It All

all i do
i can still feel you

numb all through
i can still feeel you
hear your call
underneath it all
kill my brain
yet you still remain
crucified
after all i've died
after all i've tried
you are still inside

all i do
i can still feel you

you remain
i am stained</a>

Last First Day of School

2004-08-11T22:28:19Z

ITT SUCKS. SCHOOL SUCKS!

THERE IS NO "HIM" DAMMMMMNIT.
i missed him so much. and each time i remembered that I won't ever be seeing him again broke my heart. Arrgh.

So, to compensate for that, I am now on the lookout for 'look-alikes.' I think I have two good candidates. One has long hair like He did during his 'long hair phase.' He looks much like him from the side. OMG how Pathetic am I!?!?!?

Damnit, there's just nothing to look forward to in school. At least last year I could anticpate a glimpse of him, and that would make being in school worth it. But now...

arrrgh. It just keeps hitting me over and over again that I'll never see him again...

Other than THAT, school was ... eh. Classes look alright I guess. I am afraid of BioII and Calculus, but the others should be handleable. Hopefully, this year's load will be lighter than last years. I wanted soo badly to take Economics this semester so that I could have a blow off Second Semester with Government, but for some insane reason, EcoAP isn't offered this semester. ARGH!

Okkay, so I have to go and do BIO homeowork. First fucking day, and I have homework...

This year looks.. mediocre. There just doesn't seem anything Exciting. I looked forward to the Five minutes in the halls (after some especific periods for a specific dude) but now.... its just a walk to a class. Plus, I have to walk to a lot of them alone, which isn't fun. Argh. We'll see how it goes.. it usually takes about a week to get the routes down and then the walking buddies.. we'll see.

He isn't there. .. makes the school feel empty He was my sense of .. 'adventure' (?) and now... its just schoool.

DOIT! DO IT!

2004-08-10T01:32:39Z

LIST THE TOP FIVE THINGS EVER, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

1.sleep
2.feeling jazzed' about life
3.listening to music
4.best friends with inside jokes
5.rain

Its hard to dream when you can't fall asleep

2004-08-08T00:10:07Z

I tried (and still try) to have that "Whatever happens - happens - just go with it , accept it, I'll find the reason later..." attitude. I thought that would make highschool easier. Just add everything on the 'experienced' list. "It's all a part of growing up." That I'll understand later.

But I should have known, not everything works out the way you plan it. That things like these shouldn't have some sort of a plan, list, order.

All these "EXPERIENCES" have left me so fucked up. More lost than I EVER expected. Alone. Somehow, I pushed people away and didn't even notice, and when I noticed, I didn't care.

I've gone through this and that, and now I don't know what I want. What I'm waiting for. What to expect. What to do with it all. Where to head with it, or where to shove it.

I feel like two people, three people, five. What I feel today will be different tomorrow. Yet, I am just One person. One body. One mind. One soul.

But I don't know this person. I don't know what this person is made up of. What this person is feeling , what this person is constantly thinking of in the back of her mind. I don't understand what this person dreams of, what she searches for. What is she crying over? What is making her so sad? Why does she feel so hopeless? Empty? Alone?
Why doesn't she have someone to turn and point a finger at?

Yet, why does she feel so calm through it all?

baack

2004-08-04T18:46:01Z

heyheyhey! I'm bacck. Actually, got back on the 25th of July, but didn't feel like being in a journaling mood. School begins on the 11th of August, and the date always seems to move up two to three days each year. Baah. Am I 'excited'? Not sure. I had to go for the Orientation day on Monday and after 2.5 hours of it I wanted to run out screaming. Yeah, I was already sick of it, before even setting foot into a class. I wasn't THAT excited to see everyone.. everyone was running around screaming, hugging, exclaiming "OHmyGod its soo Good To See YOOOU...!" Were they really that happy? Ah, lies, all lies. It was so smily it was almost puke provoking.

One last year of Hell and I'm O-U-T ..OUT! College Admissions (hopefully) will be my ticket outta here and into Heaven.

The Courses this year aren't too bad. Though I heard EconomicsAP is a complete bitch and CalculusAP isn't a joy ride either, but we'll all manage and survive. I am taking Physcial Education (or else I won't be allowed to Graduate..stupid requirements) so at least one class I can breathe easily in and BlowOFF.

I must admit, I did set my backpack already. The BEST part of returning to school (or really the Only good part) is the new school supplies. Flowy-inky-pens, smooth clean erasers, fresh sheets/papers... its Heaven Sent!

acidxrock @ 2004-06-09T01:38:00

2004-06-09T06:39:44Z

Im leaving today for Pakistan! Going back after ten years.. this is so weird.. I feel I should be more excited but Im still in the "I won't believe this till it happens' mood. So until I Land, I don't think its really gonna hit me..

acidxrock @ 2004-06-05T13:09:00

2004-06-05T18:10:28Z

Dear God,

I hope you listen like everyone tells me you do.

Love,
Zaib

One of those personality test things..

2004-06-04T01:11:06Z

Big Five Test Results

Extroversion (56%) moderately high which suggests you are talkative, optimistic, sociable and affectionate but possibly not very internally grounded.
Friendliness (62%) moderately high which suggests you are good natured, trusting, and helpful but possibly too agreeable
Orderliness (56%) moderately high which suggests you are organized, reliable, neat, and ambitious but possibly not very spontaneous and fun.
Emotional Stability (32%) moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and nervous.
Openmindedness (74%) high which suggests you are very intellectual, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical.

Take Free Big Five Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

---
"not very internally grounded" - fo' real dawg.

"possibly too agreeable" -i'm actually finally learning the confidence skills needed to assert my opinions, finally.

" possibly not very practical" -i'm an idealist deep within.

" you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and nervous" -unfortunately yes, true

"not very spontaneous and fun" -hhaha thats soo uncool! Gah, its not completly untrue though. *shouting in vain* BUT I AM A FUN GIRL!! haha I'll work on that spontanaity..

---
Overall, I think it was pretty accurate but ofcourse not 100%. I would like to change some of those percentages. *sigh* So what does this say about me?

I have too much time on my hands to be able to take these things.

..yeah right, wait till she gets a boyfriend..

2004-06-03T20:06:46Z

I've realized there is no such thing as 'Friends for Ever!'

I get the urge to sarcastically laugh to myself each time I see someone has posted " ____ + ____ = Friends4LYFE!!<33 "

Bullshiit

this is hip these days..

2004-06-03T18:21:37Z

1) copy and paste this into your journal
2) <*font color="yourusername"> <*b>yourusername<*/b> <*/font>
3) delete the astericks and put in your user name
4) see what color comes out

acidxrock

...OooOoh I like!

i'm tired and i want to go to bed

2004-06-03T04:22:22Z

ITs been a long day, or it feels so. Even though its really as long as any other day- ya know, the usual twenty-four hours. But, ah, whatev. I just feel worn out.

Did I mention, I got contacts. Sometime last week, I dont remember the date. May have been Friday. Yea Friday I think it was. They were being the biggest bitches ever the last few days but I think my eyes and reflexes have finally gotten used to em. I had a hard time learning. I thought the taking out part would be easy, but it still made me feel queasy. I think it had something to do with how the lady told me to 'squeeze my eyes' to take it out, and I'm sitting there thinking "LADY! I can barely touch my eye, and you want to 'squeeze' them!?" Ah well, I got over it.

I feel like being in a cranky mood. And I don't know why. Its totally uncalled for. But I'm just not in a good moood. I am getting annoyed with people in this house (meaning family) expecting me to drop everything I am doing to get them their goddamn stapler or envelopes or paper clips or other random things like that that they could get themselves. Not that it takes up my time or somethimg. And it really IS a nice thing to do for other people, but I guess right now I just need/want something to complain about. *sigh* Sorry for sounding mean. But as I said, I'm in an off mood. Really, if people would just get their own staplers.. Whats even more annoying is when they used it last but expect ME to know where the hell it is or why it isn't where it's supposed to be. ARGH. Okay, I will shut the fuck up about this now. Its not a big deal anyways. I'm just tired...

I don't feel the urge to get online on AIM each time I turn on my computer anymore. There's no one in particular that I ever look forward to talking to or hoping is online. I don't know, but that makes me sad. I wish I had someone to look forward to and be happy about when they're online. But there's no one of that sort right now, and all the conversations on AIM are useless and senseless and trivial. I DO have a friend on MSN though :) So Kudos to that.

This is a stupid and pointless entry. I think I just wrote something for the sake of writing. Just because I have the feeling that I should record as many of the days of my life as I can.

My eyes hurt. I blame it on the contacts, cuz its always fun to point fingers.