[07 Oct 2004|10:04pm] The High School Scene eventually tires you out. post comment

I can hardly speak, i UNDERSTAND (!!!!!!) [22 Sep 2004|06:24pm] [ music | Snow Patrol- Run ] I feel sad and i have absolutely no reason to do so I need to stop deliberetly listening to songs i know will get me like this. 1 comment|post comment

birthdays are so stressful [12 Sep 2004|02:21pm] My friend's birthday is .. about two months away.. but since it might be the last birthday together, I want to get her something special. Are there any ideas? I already have a sort of 'joke' gift, and I dont want to do the mundane 'picture frame' routine .. soo.. any one out there have a suggestion? I was thinking of making something.. post comment

FTP account [12 Sep 2004|02:10pm] My FTP account trial expired about a week ago so I can't get in and update my site. Does anyone know of any Free Ftp account (not just trial version) ? All the ones I seem to find are just 30 day trials. If I can't find a permanent one, I'll just try another trial out. One of these days, I *will* by an FTP account, just not now. 2 comments|post comment

this is pathetic [10 Sep 2004|08:42pm] I want to be somebody's best[friend] again, someday. .yeah. 2 comments|post comment

she wrote a cryptic message ; that no one was ever able to decode. Her thoughts were left unheard. [08 Sep 2004|01:21am] School isn't much of a drag this year which is a mighty good feeling. Well, so far atleast. I don't feel myself trudging against the wall, trying to carry my heavy steps down the hall giving myself reasons as to why I should attend the class at all. I doubt there would have been any difference if I hadn't shown up to some of my classes last year. Oh whatev. The time has passed anyways, so why ponder upon it now? This year seeems better, and I so hope it stays this way. Lalala. Have Calc test . . today. Should be fun exciting and easy..? Or None Of The Above. I went to bed at 10:00, arbitrarily, and then just as arbitrarily woke up at 12 (eye woke up) and thought myself to be stupid for just going to bed when I know I hadn't revised for Calc yet ... So here I am.. revising :\ dumdumdum I better Ace it now. Or so i hope and pray. Gah. Im so bored. Its the middle of the night and I have no one to talk to. Yet, even if I did, I wouldn't want to talk to them anyways. Haven't really been in the conversing mood, yet... I still want someone there, ready to strike a convo any second I return to the mood of talking . Or something like that. What? Does this make sense? I don't really want to talk to anyone, really. There's not much to say. I hate senseless talking. Except a few excusable moments - with a few excusable people. Depends on what I describe as 'senseless' post comment

Just nod if you can hear me [07 Sep 2004|08:01pm] [ music | Pink Floyd- Comfortably Numb ] The words you blurt through your gasps of breath and breaks between the gulps in your throat After you're done wiping the tears before the new ones begin spilling Are the words That speak the truth Because in that state, you're more 'you' than ever Its when your heart and emotions cloud any rational thinking When caught up tension breaks free And you appear naked with no garments to hide within Dahdahdah.SoulExposed. [no i wasn't crying, simply stating a realization] post comment

the cool isn't always so hot [28 Aug 2004|09:00pm] When I try to imagine just how long the length of time 'eternity' can be, its oh-so overwhelming. The thought of having to last forever. Of having to face a tomorrow after tomorrow, is a shock wave that could drown and swallow me whole. I have trouble going through a twenty-four hour day, a cycle that continues on for seven days at length, continuously, with me : anticipating the end of the week as soon as the Monday approaches my door; panicking when a Saturday doesn't seem to be in sight; wanting to rip out the calendar as I cross out the days on a Sunday night. ThreeHundred&SixtyFive Days seems to be an unsurmountable length of time. We were speaking of Heaven the day 'eternity' came up. Ofcourse I want to go there, but who am I to say I will be admitted there? I feel as if I bought my one-way-first-class ticket to Hell long ago and I can't exchange it in for a different destination. What if I end up in Hell for eternity? I don't really know if I've done enough 'good deads.' If I am a 'good' person. I try to tell myself I am, I try to be. But who am I to decide if I have hurt any one or not? Oh I'm selfish enough to want to have someone to cry over with me because they want me soo much. And there's all these worldly things that get in the way. The materialistic. The mundane. The sublunary. The Temporary. The here today, the gone tomorrow. Caught up in moments that will escape us once we release our breath. All things selfish and unworthy of time. The things that'll excite and send us into bliss today, only to break us and drive us to our tears and regret days later. I wish I hadn't forced myself to base my happiness on the terrestrial things in the past. That I had woken up earlier. In re-evaluating us, I am having troulbe deciding what path to choose. The Good is obvious, but not 'fun' not 'appealing.' I am constantly asking God to 'guide' me, but I think when he does, I seem to turn my back. I chose the right instead of the left, and in it the nightness instead of the day. Its easy to say I want to be a better person. But its so hard to actually step foot onto that path. For me, the core of being a better person comes down to actually act according to religion first. IT seems like a challenge to me to follow my religion. Though I love It. Its just seems hard. BUT its just so incredibly stupid for me to stay in a condition that I know would be the ruin of me. I am so working towards being a better Muslim. It never occured to me how important it is. I fell so far away that I fell away from Religion. I got so angry and felt soo alienated by God. Upset that he refused to grant me the things I wanted. Not wanting to see the 'blessings.' But it all seems so dumb now. And I am ashamed of who I became inside of me. How I let things that mattered slip away from me. oooooooooooooh but noooow... Now that I've stepped back from the edge of the mountain, I can work towards finding it all again. And its exciting. Nerving to, but Exciting the most. I want to spend my eternity in Heaven. post comment

Just give In and Let me In [21 Aug 2004|06:38pm] [ mood | peaceful ] [ music | Morrissey - The More You Ignore Me ] If love is a drug, Im addicted. I miss his sweet face , but I can hold my tears. There's no salt on my face. Maybe we'll meet some day at a redlight. Or maybe someday we'll both be grabbing for that last box of Cheerios. Maybe I'll be entering a door and he'll be leaving. Whenever we meet, if we ever meet, I'm sure I'll be happy. His smile is a sunshine any time of day. I miss its warmth. I feel a bit cold for August. -- And I vow to myself, and you, that one of these days I will stop writing about him That my thoughts will consist of something more tangible and real, something in front of me or just in my reach That I will move on and not turn back And it will all make sense and I will smile For knowing him For the tears I cried For the scars I made For the nights I stayed up For the dreams I dreamt And the wishes I made to an empty sky For the sun that rose empty of its promises For the letters I kept For the words I couldn't bring myself to utter For the phrase that made no sense And for the words that I did say And I won't regret it all. Not one bit. 3 comments|post comment

I don't want this feeling to disappear [20 Aug 2004|09:19pm] [ music | The Radio ] I zoned out yesterday and thought about who i am and what i am and where i am. And I realized, that I am okay with it all. I am learning to move on ....slowly (oh so very slowly) but I am getting myself out of a rut. I think , I am finally ready and strong enough to take control of my life again. Somehow, somewhere along the way, I had lost the handle. I broke down. I dreamt of giving up. I just wanted out. Out. Out. Out. Out of what, out of Where? Here, and everything. I wanted to have nothing to do with anything or anyone. I grew tired. I grew apathetic. I grew weak. I drifted away from friends, tried to fade into the walls. I didn't want to see, I didn't want to be seen. I was so incredibly down trodden and sad. I had no idea what to do with myself, with this body. Where to take it. Where to shove it. I was the biggest enigma facing me. I looked inside and found nothing. So incredibly hollow. At this moment, I still don't have all the answers. Not nearly. I don't even have all the questions. But I'm beginning to understand me again. I look inside and there's substance there. I have an idea of what I want to do and where I want to go. I am finding things to be happy about, and finding once again the importance in things I had lost. I hope this moment doesn't disappear. And even though I am still not always happy, I have driven myself away from depression. I think I will be alright. I think things will work in the end. And I think I will make it to wherever I am meant to be. And I hope I find everything I am looking for along the way. I have hope. Losing yourself is the worst thing you could lose. I realize, I am my biggest treasure. 8 comments|post comment

Don't change this [19 Aug 2004|08:21pm] [ music | NIN- Mr. Self Destruct ] It is so very cool when things seem to go right but you don't want to think of it too much because that might change it --- School has been good so far .. since it began really. First few days i was wary and uncomfortable But now I have become set to the routine And it doesn't seem so bad KUDOS? post comment

If its real, then I don't want to know [18 Aug 2004|10:19pm] [ music | Seether- Driven Under ] Its just that, I feel so incapable of doing anything to change it. And it leaves me feeling helpless, vulnerable, broken, and stuck. Hanging on in vain, but wishing to tear myself away all the same. Why are my thoughts and actions constantly at war with each other? 4 comments|post comment

those strange moments [15 Aug 2004|12:44pm] I'm one of those people who gets really queasy around silences. I can't stand it. I'd rather hear a gun shot. post comment

I'll update more, tonight [13 Aug 2004|06:13pm] Today was good, despite it being Friday the Thirteenth :)... well okay so far :) Don't want to jinx it now.. post comment

What else could I possibly say after this..? [13 Aug 2004|06:10pm] Nine Inch Nails: Underneath It All all i do i can still feel you numb all through i can still feeel you hear your call underneath it all kill my brain yet you still remain crucified after all i've died after all i've tried you are still inside all i do i can still feel you you remain i am stained</a> post comment

Last First Day of School [11 Aug 2004|05:19pm] [ music | NIN- Starfuckers ] ITT SUCKS. SCHOOL SUCKS! THERE IS NO "HIM" DAMMMMMNIT. i missed him so much. and each time i remembered that I won't ever be seeing him again broke my heart. Arrgh. So, to compensate for that, I am now on the lookout for 'look-alikes.' I think I have two good candidates. One has long hair like He did during his 'long hair phase.' He looks much like him from the side. OMG how Pathetic am I!?!?!? Damnit, there's just nothing to look forward to in school. At least last year I could anticpate a glimpse of him, and that would make being in school worth it. But now... arrrgh. It just keeps hitting me over and over again that I'll never see him again... Other than THAT, school was ... eh. Classes look alright I guess. I am afraid of BioII and Calculus, but the others should be handleable. Hopefully, this year's load will be lighter than last years. I wanted soo badly to take Economics this semester so that I could have a blow off Second Semester with Government, but for some insane reason, EcoAP isn't offered this semester. ARGH! Okkay, so I have to go and do BIO homeowork. First fucking day, and I have homework... This year looks.. mediocre. There just doesn't seem anything Exciting. I looked forward to the Five minutes in the halls (after some especific periods for a specific dude) but now.... its just a walk to a class. Plus, I have to walk to a lot of them alone, which isn't fun. Argh. We'll see how it goes.. it usually takes about a week to get the routes down and then the walking buddies.. we'll see. He isn't there. .. makes the school feel empty He was my sense of .. 'adventure' (?) and now... its just schoool. 5 comments|post comment

DOIT! DO IT! [09 Aug 2004|08:31pm] [ music | Enigma- Return to Innocence ] LIST THE TOP FIVE THINGS EVER, IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER 1.sleep 2.feeling jazzed' about life 3.listening to music 4.best friends with inside jokes 5.rain 3 comments|post comment

Its hard to dream when you can't fall asleep [07 Aug 2004|06:57pm] [ music | Nirvana- Downer ] I tried (and still try) to have that "Whatever happens - happens - just go with it , accept it, I'll find the reason later..." attitude. I thought that would make highschool easier. Just add everything on the 'experienced' list. "It's all a part of growing up." That I'll understand later. But I should have known, not everything works out the way you plan it. That things like these shouldn't have some sort of a plan, list, order. All these "EXPERIENCES" have left me so fucked up. More lost than I EVER expected. Alone. Somehow, I pushed people away and didn't even notice, and when I noticed, I didn't care. I've gone through this and that, and now I don't know what I want. What I'm waiting for. What to expect. What to do with it all. Where to head with it, or where to shove it. I feel like two people, three people, five. What I feel today will be different tomorrow. Yet, I am just One person. One body. One mind. One soul. But I don't know this person. I don't know what this person is made up of. What this person is feeling , what this person is constantly thinking of in the back of her mind. I don't understand what this person dreams of, what she searches for. What is she crying over? What is making her so sad? Why does she feel so hopeless? Empty? Alone? Why doesn't she have someone to turn and point a finger at? Yet, why does she feel so calm through it all? 5 comments|post comment

baack [04 Aug 2004|01:35pm] heyheyhey! I'm bacck. Actually, got back on the 25th of July, but didn't feel like being in a journaling mood. School begins on the 11th of August, and the date always seems to move up two to three days each year. Baah. Am I 'excited'? Not sure. I had to go for the Orientation day on Monday and after 2.5 hours of it I wanted to run out screaming. Yeah, I was already sick of it, before even setting foot into a class. I wasn't THAT excited to see everyone.. everyone was running around screaming, hugging, exclaiming "OHmyGod its soo Good To See YOOOU...!" Were they really that happy? Ah, lies, all lies. It was so smily it was almost puke provoking. One last year of Hell and I'm O-U-T ..OUT! College Admissions (hopefully) will be my ticket outta here and into Heaven. The Courses this year aren't too bad. Though I heard EconomicsAP is a complete bitch and CalculusAP isn't a joy ride either, but we'll all manage and survive. I am taking Physcial Education (or else I won't be allowed to Graduate..stupid requirements) so at least one class I can breathe easily in and BlowOFF. I must admit, I did set my backpack already. The BEST part of returning to school (or really the Only good part) is the new school supplies. Flowy-inky-pens, smooth clean erasers, fresh sheets/papers... its Heaven Sent! post comment

[09 Jun 2004|01:38am] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | The Killers- Somebody Told Me ] Im leaving today for Pakistan! Going back after ten years.. this is so weird.. I feel I should be more excited but Im still in the "I won't believe this till it happens' mood. So until I Land, I don't think its really gonna hit me.. 6 comments|post comment

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